Soon I would wake up. But then I didn’t.

I don’t really remember what happened to the band. Obviously we didn’t continue though like before. I wasn’t leaving my room and Niall was dead so what could they do with only three guys left in the band.

I know Zayn tried a solo career some years later. Louis told me this. Zayn probably thought he would manage to do all the things we’d done, all by himself. Obviously it was too much for him. It was a shame since he was a really good guy and it he would have done great things if he hadn’t fallen in the trap. Drugs and alcohol wiped Zayn away from the earth. He was alone too. Perrie had left him and all he had was some one-night-stands and a shit management. I couldn’t blame him. I would have killed myself if I was in his position and alcohol is a really good help if you want to forget sometimes, which I wanted a lot.

I don’t really know what happened to Liam. I haven’t spoke to him since the last day he visited me. I can imagine though, how his life is right now. He’s probably sitting in a couch resting with Danielle by his side and he probably has a lot of grandchildren around. He chose the easy way. I bet he never speaks about Niall anymore. I bet he doesn’t even know what happened to Zayn. He’s a coward. A fucking coward.

Niall kept visiting me for a while. Even in this place. The pills they gave didn’t work. Or I’d never let them work; I just never swallowed them like they wanted me to. At a time all I ever did was talking to the blonde. He was always there because I felt so alone and I wanted someone to talk to. I asked him why. That was the question I wanted some answers to but when I let the words slip between my lips all he did was watching me with his blue ocean colored eyes.

We fought sometimes. I wanted to hurt him because he had hurt me by leaving me all alone but I couldn’t. Every time I screamed at him a small red spot on his chest started to grow bigger and bigger and my guilt would come at me like a nuclear bomb exploding.

One time I had a panic attack. That was after one of Niall’s visit. Louis found me lying on the floor with my arms wrapped around my body and I was rocking back and forth. I remember not being able to breathe.

I really don’t know what I would do if Louis hadn’t been there all the time. He didn’t visit me that often but when he did it was like a light would sparkle inside my stomach and I actually felt human. I wanted to tell him that several times but I had hard to find the words. I didn’t talk much you know. I kind of forgot how to make a sound.

The day I lost Louis was the day Niall faded away. And I thought that would break me even more than it had before. But Louis’ death was easier to deal with than Niall’s. Maybe because I got the chance to say goodbye to him, or maybe because Niall was my only soul mate. I didn’t know why and I still don’t. All I know is that Louis’ death helped me recover from Niall’s. It was hard but one day Niall was gone and he never came back. I was alone in the world with only two photographs. One of Niall and one of all five of us.